10 Ways to Survive an Encounter with a “Social Media Expert” in the Wild

Posted by Chad Pollitt

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January 7, 2013 at 8:00 AM

The species known as Expertum Social Medium was identified by scientists for the first time in early 2008. Not much is known about the species, other than it doesn’t know much about marketing or ROI. Since being discovered, it’s wreaked havoc on unsuspecting businesses and marketing departments by convincing them that social media holds the answers to all of their marketing woes.

The below Social Media Expert Survival Guide provides you enough tips to survive in case you accidentally find yourself in the presence of this mysterious hominid.

Social Media ExpertThe Survival Guide

1. Expertum Social Medium consume cash. Never carry it on your person, or risk a barrage of slides telling you how social media will make you millions. If an expertum talks you into relinquishing some of your cash, you’ll just make it stronger and more aggressive.

2. Hang mobile-free zone signs, so it doesn’t send tweets or posts on Facebook. This keeps the species weak, and may allow you to escape.

3. Make it think you’re afraid of a geo-social conspiracy involving nefarious groups and Foursquare, so it doesn’t check-in anywhere if the two of you are on the move. This will confuse the species. Hopefully, it’ll be confused long enough for you to get to a safe place.

4. Never, under any circumstances, use the acronym R.O.I. around the expertum. This can trigger a violent physical reaction that can be dangerous to your emotional and physical health.

5. Mention constantly to the expertum that you have severe photophobia, which will discourage it from snapping any pictures to post online. Over time, the lack of picture taking causes the species to suffer from a crippling facial tic. That’s your queue to get out of Dodge.

6. DO NOT give the expertum your wireless password! This is almost as bad as giving it your cash. This will exponentially increase the strength of the expertum, while sucking up all of your bandwidth.

7. If you can convince or physically force it to wear big, bulky mittens, this may render the expertum's fingers and thumbs useless. Without knowing what to do with its smartphone or tablet, its head will explode, allowing you to make a safe exit.

8. Simply nod your head when the expertum uses acronyms you’ve never heard before. These acronyms usually represent made-up valueless metrics, or some weird social media purity test. Don’t stop nodding once you start. Field research suggests that headnodding lulls the species to sleep.

9. Do not ask about or mention the expertum's credentials, unless you’re ready for a one-hour verbal rope-a-dope on its “experience.” Once the rope-a-dope begins, there’s little hope for escape.

10. Don’t worry; the Expertum Social Medium won’t eat your cat. For years, scientists believed felines were its main source of sustenance, due to the overwhelming amount of cat hair stuck to its clothes and the countless LOLCAT photos on its computer desktop. The species is highly sensitive about this. So, for your safety, avoid mentioning it.

Hopefully, you never find yourself face to face with a member of the species known as Expertum Social Medium. However, if you do, your chances of survival will be greatly improved armed with the above survival guide.

According to the most recent research, we won’t have to defend ourselves from this creature much longer. They’re predicting a short lifespan for the species due to its inevitable evolutionary displacement by The Inbounder species.

For help driving real ROI with social media, download Increasing Conversions with Social Media.


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